


blue and other burdens

by intothefirewego



Series: when our hearts collide, i hope our world is a kaleidoscope [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst and Feels, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Soulmates, way too dramatic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:07:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22163797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intothefirewego/pseuds/intothefirewego
Summary: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m just—“And all of the air left Merlin at once.He was staring up into the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. These man’s eyes were bright, and vibrant, and almost blinding. Merlin should look away. He really needed to, because this man was strangling all of the air out of Merlin’s lungs and he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe and he didn’t want to. God, never let him move from this exact moment.Color.His eyes were colored.~soulmate AU in which you see in black and white until you meet your soulmate. you only see the color of their eyes until the rest of the colors start to leak in.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: when our hearts collide, i hope our world is a kaleidoscope [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1595821
Comments: 22
Kudos: 690





	blue and other burdens

**Author's Note:**

> hi, this is exceptionally too dramatic, i wrote it when i was fifteen, probably, and have been slowly editing for the past month or so.
> 
> this is that AU where you only see in black and white until you meet your soulmate, and their eyes are the first color you see. the color that their eyes are the only color that you can see for a couple of weeks before the rest of the colors begin to leach
> 
> hope you enjoy, and see you at the bottom!

Merlin kept his head down, breath caught in his throat as the buckets at his sides sloshed precariously. Gaius would positively have him stocked if Merlin spilled their water rations again. The water settled, barely slipping over the brim of the warped wood bucket before returning to the bottom. Merlin continued his carefully-footed trek up the staircase of the tower, cursing the young girl who had insisted on filling his bucket so high, and chanting quietly,   


“One foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other, no rush, no rush, no rush…”

His mother used to tell him that when he was younger, around the age of barreling into people and animals when he ran around Ealdor with Will. He always had difficulty differentiating between the shades of grey that colored his world. People and animals were just one shade darker than the rest of the landscape, and if a flash of pig went barreling across the way, just a tinge lighter than the path he was walking on, he really couldn’t register the slight shade change before he and the pig were in an heap on the ground. Or if he were confronted with a person with lightly colored pants, _bam_ —he and his unfortunate victim were sprawled across the dirt. The villagers got so annoyed that they might hit him or spit at him for his foolishness. When he went sobbing to his mother, she would stroke his hair softly and whisper comforting words. 

It won’t always be this way, Merlin, she told him. One day, you’ll meet the person that the gods intended for you and you’ll be able to see colors. _Oh Merlin_ , she would intone, _colors are the prettiest things you will ever see. They’ll come gradually at first, but you’ll never forget the first time you see them. Your father’s eyes were brown and I’ll never forget the first time I saw trees! Wow, Merlin, you wouldn’t believe. They are the richest color and clothes and the earth are the darkest, richest color you’ll ever remember._

So with a mother’s promise and a head full of naive hope, he set out into the world, trying to walk more carefully. He still got into trouble more times than he could count, but his mother (the saint that she was) would gently keep him in the right direction. He couldn’t understand her mantra for him when he was younger; the world was large and full of possibilities—how could he stay still? But his mother still prodded on: _one foot in front of the other, no rush, no rush, no rush_.

So he continued, gently walking up the stairs, eyes on the buckets in his hands, and not on the staircase in front of him. 

That was his first mistake. 

He heard the loud crash before he registered it, his body jolting back on the staircase and the buckets flying out of his hands. 

He didn’t even have time to recover his balance or dodge the person who came barreling into him, metal, wood, the slosh of water, stone, and the thump of flesh hit the stairs loudly. 

He blinked up at the sloped roof, confusion, pain, and some sort of eerie calmness spreading its way through his bones. 

“Oi! Watch it, man!” The heap of metal and fabric groaned from across him. A man’s voice. His position on the spiral staircase placed him slightly above Merlin, if the location of his voice was to be believed. Merlin sat up groggily, noticing now that he was completely soaked through—he sent a silent curse to the woman distributing the water rations today—, and if anything was to be observed from the now moving heap of presumed human across from him, it was that this particular human was very much not a commoner.   


  
“Oh geez—I’m so sorry, sir.” Merlin gasped, flinging himself into an upright position, gangly legs trying to get under him. He eventually managed to scramble up, but the man was already pushing him away, grumbling angrily about “the help in this damn castle.” 

Merlin was so busy shouting apologies and trying desperately not to be affronted, he didn’t notice the Pendragon crest on the man’s cape. 

“I’m such a klutz, I really am, I’m so sorry, my mother told me about being careful, and I’m still as clumsy as ever. Well, she told me when I was young, so it’s been a while. I mean, I’m young now, but like when I was younger than my current young. No, I mean, a child. I’m not a child now, I have since aged, but I’m still young. As young as an aged child can be—I mean—“

  
“Are you still blathering on over there?” The man asked, turning around with an obvious scowl already apparent in his voice.

  
“I’m sorry, sir, I’m just—“ 

And all of the air left Merlin at once.

He was staring up into the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. These man’s eyes were bright, and vibrant, and almost blinding. Merlin should look away. He really needed to, because this man was strangling all of the air out of Merlin’s lungs and he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe and he didn’t want to. God, never let him move from this exact moment. 

Color. 

His eyes were colored. 

Merlin’s boot hit one of the abandoned pails as he stepped back in shock and it rolled down the stairs. 

_bang…bang…bang…bang…bang…_

It went merrily down each stair, its periodic decent the only thing marking the deadly still.   
Merlin was suddenly too close to this man, suddenly too far away. His chest was heaving. He couldn’t get enough air in his lungs.

A bird chirped somewhere above Merlin’s head, and he felt his head turn against his agency. A small, rotund bird was perched in one of the eaves of the turret, fluffing its feathers. Merlin knew this bird, he recognized distantly. What was it called again…? A blue tit. A family of them made a home in Merlin’s home’s thatched roof one autumn.

But the little bird was painful to look at, and Merlin recognized with blinding joy that it was because the little bird was lit with color! Blue? Was that was the color was called? This bird was blue. Did that mean his soulmate’s eyes were blue? Merlin’s eyes flicked down to his soulmate in front of him.

_Yes,_ Merlin decided. _The man’s eyes were most certainly blue_.

He knew without ever seeing its expanse before that there could be no other word for this color than blue. He had heard about blue before, he was told it was the color of the sky, the color of water, and the color of the ocean. _That made sense_ , Merlin thought distantly. 

He felt like he was drowning in this. 

In _blue_. Merlin felt giddy just thinking the word.

The man couldn’t be much older than Merlin himself was, maybe a year or so. 

He was beautiful.

That was clear to him before he could even be arsed to look at the rest of his face. This boy was beautiful. 

And now that Merlin saw the rest of his face…wow.

Words cannot even describe the breath-taking amazement— _the soul-crushing, mind-destroying, heart-purifying tortuous beauty_ this man possessed. For just a second, Merlin believed in angels. 

Was Merlin embellishing a little bit? Maybe. Could he be? Yes. This was his soulmate he was talking about! What was happening? Merlin felt giddy, dizzy, heart-sickeningly and completely content.

The air between them was completely still. 

Tense. 

Merlin blinked. The air shouldn’t be tense. Merlin shook the daze from his mind and really gave the man a once over for the first time since he had run into him. 

He was looking at Merlin with something akin to terror. He wasn’t smiling. He looked like someone had guessed his deepest and darkest secret, and he was equally astonished and horrified. The stairwell was completely silent excluding the continuous bangs of the wooden pail echoing far below. 

Merlin realized his mouth was open. He was trying to find words, trying to find anything to describe or even summarize what was going through his head right now. 

Soulmates. 

He and this man were _soulmates_. 

They were destined to be together. Thousands of years and divine intervention and the beginning of Merlin’s lonely and scared life had led to this—this pseudo-stranger standing across from him. 

This man would love him no matter what. This man would love him for the rest of his life until Merlin was dead, no matter how pathetic, no matter how sad he was or pathetic he was or what he had done wrong, what he is doing wrong, or what he will do wrong. Merlin felt free. He felt so completely free, so unburdened, released. 

It’s like he was falling through thin air, like he was hurtling through the sky, towards earth and towards his doom, but right now he couldn’t care, he didn’t care, he wouldn’t care. Not as long as that boy was looking at him.

Falling, falling, falling, falling.

Waiting for that impact, that jarring slam back into reality. That horrifying snap. 

The boy was completely still, but his chest was heaving and his eyes were wild. His beautiful eyes, his gorgeous beautiful _blue_ eyes, Merlin thought hysterically, barely resisting the frantic, cathartic laughter bubbling in his throat. 

The man’s mouth twitched. A small smile graced the corners of his mouth and Merlin was absolutely weak. The terror on the man’s face was gone, and he breathed a disbelieving laugh. His front teeth were crooked a little bit, a single fault in his features. Merlin was close to tears.

They could have been standing there for ages, or hours, or even minutes, but the moment was prolonged forever, Merlin’s entire world existing right here, right in his soulmate’s heaving chest. 

Soulmate’s. 

Oh gods, Merlin would never get over that, he would never get used to calling this man his soulmate, never get used to thinking of this man as his. This man was Merlin’s. He belonged as much to Merlin as Merlin belonged to him. And if he was feeling at least half of the emotions raging in Merlin’s chest, then this man was his, completely. 

His soulmate opened his mouth ( _falling, falling, falling, falling_ ) almost like he was trying to say something, like he was trying to speak words. 

And then, up past them, up past their small eternity, a loud booming voice ripped apart their solidarity:  


“Arthur?”

Arthur. This man, his soulmate, his small piece of forever was named Arthur. 

Oh Arthur, Arthur, Arthur, _Arthur, Arthur, Arthur, Arthur, Arthur_. 

“Prince Arthur are you alright?”The tiny Merlin in his head hit the ground with a sickening crack.

Impact.

Merlin’s eyes flicked to his soulmate’s cape. 

The Pendragon crest.

His Arthur, his forever, his soulmate, was…

Oh god no. 

He had to bite back the bile in his throat. 

No, no, no, no. 

What cruel joke was this?

The gods, giving Merlin his promised paradise, a sign of grace and mercy and beauty, just to snatch it back cruelly, laughing and spitting on Merlin’s shredded happiness. 

Arthur was the Prince of Camelot. 

Footsteps accompanied the voice, the voice of condemnation, of mangled revelation. Down the staircase, the voice called again,

“Prince Arthur?” 

Merlin looked back at Arthur, and almost like he could sense what Merlin was about to do, he reached his hands out, weakly trying to persuade him to stay, gorgeous breath-taking (blue) eyes pleading with him. Arthur’s mouth formed a word, and he took a step forward.

The footsteps were almost upon them.

And Merlin ran. 

He turned and darted down the stairs, tears burning his eyes.   


“No! Stop!” Arthur shouted, yelling after him, and he could hear his soulmate clamber down the stairs. His voice sent Merlin’s stomach for a loop. But Merlin was already ahead of him, already close to the bottom. Arthur wouldn’t get to him in time. 

“Wait!” 

Merlin was at the door at the bottom of the tower’s staircase. His hand rested on the old iron handle. _Open it_ , his mind cried, _open the door_! But he couldn’t. If he ran out now, would his soulmate ever forgive him?

“I don’t even know your name, don’t _do_ this!” Arthur’s voice was getting closer.

Merlin closed his eyes tightly. Forgive me, he wanted to sob. He wanted to throw himself into Arthur’s arms, throw himself back into his soulmate’s embrace. But he couldn’t. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair, _why couldn’t fate be fair_?

So Merlin burst into the sunlight, tears blurring his vision. 

Oh god. Oh god. 

He threw himself into the throngs of people, getting lost in the clamor and sheer mass of the townspeople. And he ran, pushing past people, throwing himself against the tide of swirling humanity, sobs wracking his body. 

How could the gods do this? How could they do this to Merlin? To Arthur? He couldn’t see where he was going. It didn’t matter. 

Away. 

Away from Arthur and his almost-future. His almost-forever with Arthur. His false hope. His false promise. 

Arthur couldn’t marry a servant. He couldn’t be in love with a lowly servant. He couldn’t give Arthur heirs. No matter how much love Merlin could provide Arthur with, he could not give him children. The Pendragon line would end with him. Arthur was a prince! A soon-to-be king! Arthur could not afford someone who would hurt his kingdom. He was destined to be a salvation. He wouldn’t get the chance to be that with Merlin. No. Not only because of their breeding and who they were born to be but because…—

Merlin had magic.

That was forbidden. That was cast out and spit upon. He couldn’t do that to Arthur. He refused to do that to Arthur with his own people. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t. Even in a world of soulmates, in a world of predetermined fates, magic was still illegal in Camelot. Uther would see Merlin beheaded, destroyed. Arthur would have to chose, and Merlin, although he had not even met the man, knew what his choice would be. 

Arthur would be never be king if he let himself be loved by Merlin.   


It ended up being a choice between Arthur’s happiness and his own. 

It turns out that it wasn’t really a choice. 

———

He didn’t know where he was going until he was grappling for the handle to Gaius’s rooms. 

His hands were shaking. He was still crying. It felt like he had slammed his heart in a door over and over until it was a bleeding, morbid heap and he wasn’t sure if he was feeling new pain or just the memory of it. 

It was impossible to form sentences. He couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe anymore. He finally managed to open the door, and it wasn’t until he’d gotten inside that he realized he was bleeding from a gash across his palm. _Where had that come from_? he wondered with mild interest. 

Numb. 

He felt completely numb. 

Gaius was sitting at one of his tables, and he barely looked up when Merlin came in. 

  
“Merlin, there you are. Without the water, of course.” He observed quietly. Merlin couldn’t muster up the attention or energy to make a response. “It’s no matter I suppose. We can just start drinking the bath water again.” He prompted, hoping to engage the boy in their usual frivolous banter. With no response, he furrowed his brow, but he didn’t look up. “I’ve been needing your opinion on this bit of text…” He tried again, moved to stand up, and then he assessed Merlin again, his eyes resting on Merlin’s water-soaked outfit. 

“Oh my, Merlin.” Gaius rolled his eyes and sighed. “I’ll get you a bloody towel.” He stood up, and bustled to the cupboard.

Merlin found himself in a ratty threadbare towel, and Gaius made an alarmed sound. 

Oh, right. 

He was bleeding. 

“What happened?” Gaius all but demanded, hands reaching down and eyes snapping to his. 

“Your eyes are blue.” Merlin blurted. 

It was true. The rest of him was still greyscale, hair in pale white, clothes a mute grey. But Gaius’s eyes were blue. They weren’t nearly as blue as Arthur’s, not nearly as beautiful (no one’s eyes could be as beautiful as Arthur’s). But they were lightly tinted with blue. Almost what he imagined ice to be colored. 

Gaius almost fell off of his stool.   


“Merlin.” He gasped, breath quiet, almost reverent. Merlin blinked back at him. “You—you’ve…” Gaius fumbled for words, pale eyes wide. “Soulmate!” He exclaimed, words tripping and falling over each other. “Why didn’t you bloody lead with that!” Gaius slammed his hand into Merlin’s knee, a large smile splitting his face. “Tell me everything!” 

Merlin couldn’t find words. He couldn't speak. 

He found the love of his life. He found his other half. He found the one person on this entire goddamn planet that would accept him for what he was. For who he was. Not because he was magic or the lack of such skills. But…because he was Merlin. He found the one person capable of that. 

And he had run away. Because being with him would most likely get Merlin hung and Arthur…oh god. The things they would do to Arthur. The things the king—oh the king—would make him do.

So he ran away, far away from his own happiness to preserve it.

His breath caught in his throat. No. Please no. Not in front of Gaius. In his room he could fall apart, but not here. 

But now he was sobbing again, horrible, back-breaking retches, arms wrapping around his torso, wondering if he held himself tight enough, he could keep the pieces left of him together. He was shaking his head, slowly at first, then violently, sobs and retches for breath choking out of his raw throat. Everything hurt. He felt like a man drowning. He couldn’t get enough air in his lungs. His head was spinning.

In that moment, he felt a little too human. He could feel his heartbeat in his ears, the curve of his ribcage, the twitching of his toes in his boots. His lungs ached and his eyes burned. Merlin felt the rumble of his throat as he breathed and the thin bones of his wrists underneath his skin. He could feel every single miserable human part of himself, and Merlin wanted to vanish. For someone who could not feel a thing at the moment, Merlin felt a little too much.

Gaius was speaking, he noticed dimly. Prodding gently, asking him questions. 

_What was wrong? Who was his soulmate? What’s her name? Why was he upset?_

Her name. Well, her name was Arthur, and she was the bloody future king of Camelot who was beautiful and blue. Blue. Also, by the way, she was a boy. 

Merlin shakily tried to stand up, pale grey legs working underneath ratty black pants, shuffling weakly forward. Gaius let him go. Merlin didn’t know what his next steps needed to be. He couldn’t leave Arthur, but he couldn’t let the man know he remained in Camelot. He needed…what did he need? _One foot in front of the other_ , Merlin thought hysterically as he padded over to his room, _no rush, no rush, no—_

The towel landed with a small thud against the stone. 

Merlin moved numbly towards the window, fresh tears shining in his eyes. 

The sky was blue.

For the first time in his entire life, the sky was blue.

Beautiful, deep, sparkling, boundless, endless blue. 

Blue wasn’t even a descriptor; it felt worthless on his tongue. 

Cyan. Azure. Cobalt. Aquamarine. Sapphire. 

All of the words read in books, in dusty grey tomes were now painted across the sky. His knuckles were pale on the windowsill. He fell to his knees, crying. For what, he didn’t know. To whom, for whom was a mystery.

He felt useless, bloody worthless. His life had been difficult, sure, but now his entire life had been snatched away before his eyes, leaving one taunting, horrible, mangled color behind. His other half, torn from him, his bright joyous future replaced with this—an endless bounty of an empty almost.

He _almost_ had his future. He was _almost_ loved. He was _almost_ going to be the happiest person to ever live on this entire godforsaken planet. 

Would he be haunted by this for the rest of his life? Would he be doomed to look out of his window, up at the clouds and the sun and think about a strong jaw and crooked front teeth?

For some inexplicable reason, through his sobs, he felt himself smiling. It felt empty, hollow, like a puppeteer was pulling the corners of his face, up, up. A morbid imitation of happiness, of joy, of the absence of this horrible void in his chest threatening to devour him whole. He turned to Gaius, who was now standing over him, face heartbreakingly sincere. Merlin felt words leave him before he had the chance to stop them. Words of an almost forever, words that made him want to rip out his hair and scream until his throat was bleeding. Four simple, hollow words:

“The sky is blue.” 

**Author's Note:**

> an exceptional amount of angst, as promised. with a dash of too much drama.
> 
> merlin is definitely my favorite, and if you want more, please let me know! i'm considering making this a series, but who knows?
> 
> i hope you enjoyed, and please leave a comment or a kudos if you did! i absolutely thrive off of comments and they make my day :)
> 
> see you next time!


End file.
